1. Tell us a little about how you got inspired to work with women to build their self-confidence.
JW: My real inspiration to help women build their self-confidence came when I was in college (at Penn State) and was pursuing help for a teenage eating disorder that I was still struggling with as a freshman. Part of my treatment was to have weekly group therapy and it was the first time that I heard my story being told by many different women. Women who I would have passed on campus and thought “Oh, she’s perfect, look at her body, look at her boyfriend, or her clothes”, and here we all were, these amazing, talented passionate women, all of us at war with our confidence. I knew that when I had the ability to do so, that I wanted to create a career that focused on creatively helping women build, repair, and recognize their self-esteem.
After I graduated I founded a non-profit theatre company in Indianapolis called the Act Out Ensemble, and we traveled all over the nation together performing social, health, and educational plays for students. It was during this time that my passion to inspire women grew even more fervent because every single day I was hearing young women struggle with their appearance and with their love for themselves, and this issue impacts all of us! Women with low self-worth are less likely to raise their hand in class, run for office, or open up businesses. When women aren’t out in the world being seen and heard, we all lose out.
2. How did you develop the self-confidence that you have today?
JW: I think my self-confidence is a hybrid of my experiences over the years. Not all good experiences, either. Whenever I stumble, fall or fail, I have learned a great deal about my strength, my resiliency, and my ability to forge ahead. I also draw confidence in my abilities by the feedback I’ve been given by so many fabulous women and girls around the world. Every time I get a letter or an email telling me I’ve changed someone’s life with my work – what they don’t realize is that they’ve actually enhanced mine, too. But my worth, I have come to realize, is not defined by work or compliments or my looks. My real value and self-esteem is rooted in my own self-love and by doing esteem-able acts.
This passion for taking action actually inspired me to create a term for it – being an Actionist®. (My definition of Actionist® is someone who takes action in their everyday life.) And now my focus is on helping create a worldwide Actionist® Network – where women and girls can draw strength from each other and help each other identify that authentic self-confidence.
3. How are the pressures of today different from what they were 50 years ago for women? JW: There is no doubt that women (and the men who support them) have made huge strides in the last 50 years. However, some of the pressures still affecting women everywhere are the struggles to protect our civil rights, have access to affordable health care, and getting paid equally in the work force (we STILL make 76 cents to every man’s dollar).
There’s also still an expectation that we can (or should) play all of the societal roles from mother to CEO and do it looking like a Super Model! One modern pressure wreaking havoc on women’s self-esteem is the 24/7 media messaging trying to sell women confidence. Bombarding us with imagery about what to wear, what to weigh, and how to act to get love, keep love, or worse – steal love from another woman – as if there isn’t enough love to go around! I often wonder, if we didn’t spend so much time thinking about our bodies and what’s wrong with our lives, how much more we could achieve.
4. How is the media portrayal of body image affecting young women? How can women overcome these unrealistic images they see on TV and in the movies?
JW: The media sells sex and sexuality, beauty and thinness to girls from the moment they start watching commercial television. Recent media studies show us girls as young as 2 years old (!) can be susceptible to messaging about gender roles due to the amount of media they consume at such a young age. As a tween you’re sold aspiration lifestyle programming (what life will be like when you are older) and your eyes are trained to the future (never to right now!).
Media messaging is highly confusing and inconsistent – one day a magazine lauds a celebrity for their body image and the next day they say a celebrity looks horrible. Without somebody really guiding young girls to help them understand what they’re looking at, they'll continue to be less media savvy than they need to be to survive. Girls have to realize that everything they read in the media is designed to sell them something. It’s not inherently good; it’s not inherently evil. It’s a BUSINESS. And its main focus isn’t to raise confidence it’s to make money!
We can begin to fight back against these unrealistic images by understanding them. And we need everyone’s help to do that! Mentors to young women – their moms, aunts, grandmothers, even the men in their lives, really do have a responsibility to talk to the young women in their lives about all the manipulation that goes into the representation of women in the media. We all know it on some level, but without actual dialogue, it can be easy to be sucked back into thinking everything you see in the media is “true”. At some point, real beauty in all shapes and sizes will be represented in the media – that’s why I do the work I do – to help produce those images and remind girls everywhere to not believe the (air) brush!
5. You work with college-aged women. What are some of the struggles they are facing?JW: We live in a culture right now that pits girls and young women against each other. We are brought up socially to be in competition with each other - who has the best body, more boyfriends, better clothes. And this kind of competition can be devastating on female friendships because it emphasizes a mentality that there isn't enough to go around. Enough love. Enough attention. Enough success. But there is. There is enough to share with your girlfriends. We have to look at each other as allies, not enemies, and rise above the media's messaging to us that tells us we have to hate other girls and women. What we need in this world right now is more unity and less cattiness.
6. What does happiness mean to you?JW: Happiness to me means ease and immense self-love. I have come to learn that life doesn’t have to be ‘hard’. That I can achieve beautiful things and have fulfilling relationships by just being myself. And by trusting in the process. Happiness is in knowing I came through the fire in some tough situations and can still find hope and light in the world. Happiness is about making choices to be happy. To make the choices that are right for you. And to know that happiness doesn’t only come in a size of pants, a pill, or a compliment. Happiness to me is a connected string of experiences…and great memories of a life well lived.
7. Who are some positive images or role models in the media for women?
JW: We have to remember that Hollywood doesn’t always reflect the thoughts of the audience – it reflects the way a writer or producer wish to see the world – so until the people who are creating the images we see – all the way from the writer to director to studio executive to casting agent – all change the way they create female faces in the media – we won’t see it reflecting the real life women we know. My hope is that we change the way we cover stories about women in the media – I hope we can move on to cover their accomplishments and not their latest sexual exploits or expanding waist size.
Right now, I am thrilled that 2 out of the 3 Network News anchors are women (Diane Sawyer and Katie Couric). I am thrilled that a woman won the Oscar this year for the first time (Kathryn Bigelow, director of “The Hurt Locker”). But truthfully, most of my role models in the media aren’t in front of the camera – they are behind it. They are talented executives or writers or directors who dare to write brilliant stories and show the variety of images. They may not be in the majority right now but hopefully when we go out and support their work (and spend our dollars) we will see more and more diversity!
8. Why is self-confidence an inside job? Do you think women rely too much on others to build their self-esteem?
JW: Yes, I think we tend to think that we have self-esteem when what we really have is “Other-esteem”. That’s when your job, your income, your car, how many people like you, how many boys are calling you become the checks and balances for how you feel about yourself. Women rely far too often on what others think of them and then adjust their lives accordingly. In the simplest of terms, a guy you like tells you one day that your hair is looking great and then next day ignores you. The young woman with “other-esteem” is flying high the first day, and down in the doldrums the second. The young woman with “self-esteem” on the other hand, can accept a compliment - but that compliment isn’t going to make her self-esteem go up to ten and then down to zero the next day when said guy ignores her. It will probably stay at about an eight all the time! And that’s why it’s an inside job. You have to control your belief in yourself and not let it get swayed with outside opinions – because they will always change and are not consistent. But self-love can actually be there for you every single day if you let it in.
9. Why do women put so much pressure on one other to be perfect? Do you find in your work a lack of support between women?JW: Well, that is a great question. I think we put pressure on each other because we ourselves are struggling with our own quest for perfection. We may think we have to come out of college with the perfect career (or at least the ‘perfect plan’) and perhaps because there are so many options available to young women today, students may feel the pressure to BE everything just because they can DO so many things. I always try to remind the women I work with that these years are designed for opportunities to grow, learn, and create who they are. And that the process of creating yourself is life-long. It hopefully continues and amplifies long after you are out of school. All women (myself included) need to be reminded to just enjoy the journey sometimes and let our lives speak to us.
How powerful would we be if we stopped demanding “perfection” from each other and started honestly supporting each other? Not all women want to be leaders; those who do and do it well, they deserve our support and encouragement. Often, women who are driven to lead are subjected to scrutiny by the very women they want to lead! We are better off recognizing that the behavior exists and making a concentrated and focused effort to recognize when it is happening and change it!
10. How does a lack of self-esteem get in the way of being an effective leader?JW: If you are “other-esteem” focused, you will let the opinions of others rule your own sense of judgment and belief. And this can be a challenge to your authentic leadership instincts. A leader doesn’t always please those they are leading. They have to make tough calls; they have to risk, and be bold. So as a leader with true self-esteem won’t let the outcome of their leadership define them. This doesn’t mean you can’t be passionate about what you do or disappointed when it doesn’t work out – but if you have low self-esteem you may second guess yourself or not take a stand when the situation calls for one. And then no one wins in this situation; not the leader, not the group.
11. What is the best part about your job?JW: Hands down it’s the emails I get from women around the world. They absolutely amaze me with their honesty, love, and bravery. Every time I have a bad day I look to one of the zillions of emails I have posted around my computer on my bulletin board from people I’ve touched – it reminds me why I do what I do.
I also love being able to create curriculum and programming whether as the Global Ambassador for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund and teaching self-esteem workshops around the world, or working from inside the media as a correspondent or expert, I get a chance to speak my mind, speak for those without a voice in mainstream media, and intelligently challenge the status quo imagery and stories we see of women and girls in the media.
12. What is the biggest challenge about the work you do?JW: You know, sometimes I do feel like I am walking upstream – trying to address issues of self-esteem and body image in a beauty obsessed world. But whenever I am in doubt – I always seem to get an email from a mom, an aunt, or a teenager who tells me how much their life was changed by a workshop, or their perception of beauty was shifted because of something I wrote about in my books or column. And of course those emails come on the days when I am in the dumps or doubting myself and my commitment to this cause – and I am instantly reminded that I am doing work that is larger than me and my problems. I have been given a great opportunity to inspire and move women and girls to take action in their everyday lives. That is a gift and an honor. I am super blessed to have the career I have. My inspiration is the honesty of my audience.
13. Do you have any mentors? How have they influenced you?JW: I have so many mentors and role models but I guess one of the early influences was my 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Stetson. She just let me read my creative stories in class and in turn it gave birth to the writer and speaker in me. Her act as a teacher was simple but it opened the doors to my creative spirit and let me see myself as a storyteller. She took a small step of action that made a big impact on my life.
14. Can our readers contact you with questions?JW: Absolutely! They can go to our website and email me at
advice@jessweiner.com or
info@jessweiner.com. They can also join me in the Actionist® Network by signing up for our newsletter on my website, become a fan of my FB fan page (
www.facebook.com/jessweiner) and follow me on Twitter
@jessweiner.
15. What resources would you recommend?
JW: I’d recommend both of my books: “A Very Hungry Girl” is a memoir of not only my personal story, but stories of hundreds of girls and women I met while touring the country and performing with ACT Out, my social issue theater group. These stories changed the whole way I looked at the world.
My other book, “Life Doesn’t Begin 5 Pounds From Now” explores all the things we let hold us back from living the life we desire. If you are putting your life on hold because you are waiting to be thinner, richer, in love, have a better job, or a different family – then read this book and begin living the life you want – today!
In addition to my books, I’d check out the resources on the Facebook fan page for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund (
www.facebook.com/doveselfesteemfund) and of course, our Actionist® Network sends out inspiring resources every month to our members.